The Odd Job Squad
by god-of-crazy
Summary: Captain Falcon is broke.  So he recruits some Smashers to do some odd jobs.  Possibly very odd jobs.  Who knows?
1. In the Beginning

Ah, humor; where would I be without you. Probably buried somewhere in Death Valley.

I do not own super smash brothers.

* * *

Captain Falcon was busy perusing the store inventory. He was assigned to pick up groceries, office supplies and some anime. 

Instead, he decided to pick up a couple cases of Jack Daniels. Pffft. Typical Falcon.

He goes to the cashier and takes out his card. The cashier reads the card and his eyebrows lift.

"Escorts-R-Us?"

Falcon swiped it back. "It belongs to my friend," he said quickly. He withdraws a credit card.

The cashier swipes it and then looks at Falcon.

"Your card has been declined."

"What!" exclaimed Falcon. "That's impossible!"

The racer jumps upon the conveyor belt of checkout and strikes a dramatic pose.

"I'm the rich and great Captain Falcon!"

The cashier snickered. "You would be if it weren't for the hookers," he said under his breath.

"What was that?"

"I said you would still be rich if it weren't for the rice cookers."

"Of course!" shouted Falcon. "Marth and Roy must've used my credit card to charge for rice cookers!"

"Uhh…you shouldn't judge by stereotypes."

Falcon flat out ignored the cashier and did another round of dramatic posing and pointing. "To the Blue Falcon!" He proclaimed.

He raced out of the store and leapt into the Blue Falcon. Or he would have if the cockpit had opened.

THUD

Falcon crawled back onto his feet and asked for a status report from the Blue Falcon's computer.

"All systems are optimal," the computer said in a pleasing tone. "Fuel cells reserves are standing at .1."

"AH, crap. How did I ever forget to refuel you?"

* * *

(At the Duff brewery) 

A tourist guide was showing the vats of crystal cool duff beer when one of the consumers fell into a vat.

"I'll save him!" said Falcon.

He dove in and started to drink the booze. The plan was to drink it all before the man drowned. He knew it was going to be tough, but heroes never took the easy way out.

In the midst of Falcon's heroics, the fallen tourist climbed out by way of a ladder. Meanwhile, the guide punched a button on an intercom.

"Sir, someone is swimming in one of the vats!"

The guide heard a sigh on the other end. "Again? Just fish them out and sell the contaminated beer as Duff Special or something like that."

* * *

Falcon gripped his head and wonder why he couldn't remember. In trying to reorganizing the jumbled mess that is his brain, one fact prevailed over all. And it pushed aside every voluntary thought including breathing. 

When riding the ambulance, he became occupied with the sobering fact that he was broke. He was banned from racing for a year, and all temp agencies banned him for life. He had no outstanding or practical skills that could be applicable in every day life.

But he had strength and a shiny helmet. In this world, there were jobs that no one wanted. Someone would surely pay for the work, in the monetary sense, of course.

The power of his epiphany had him sitting upright. "That's it!" he said, "my path to wealth!"

The paramedics, noting Falcon was healthy and well, signaled the driver to turn off the sirens. They opened the back and shoved Falcon, bed cart and all onto the free way they were on.

* * *

…and so begins the tales of a lunatic and those unfortunate to be around him. 


	2. The gathering of fools

ZZZZZZ (snort) wha, what happend. Wait. i'm trapped in this line of text! NOOOOO!

I do not own smash brothers

* * *

Falcon knew that to reach his objective of becoming a multi-billionaire he needed the most elite, determined and skilled to succeed. 

Of course, that would create massive overhead, so he hired some kids. Much cheaper and hopefully ignorant of child labor laws.

He gathered Ness, Y. Link, Kirby, and Mewtwo with the intent of recruiting them.

"I am not a child!" was Mewtwo's initial response.

"Well, you were grown in a cloning vat. Technically you can't be over 10."

And so, Mewtwo grudgingly joined in the gathering, hoping Falcon had not realized he had outwitted the brilliant pokemon.

They assembled the back of the Smash mansion. Each of the kids was sitting on the grass. Mewtwo just hovered in the air.

"Okay, so you know what we're doing, right?" asked Falcon.

Ness interjected. "You know, many people have wasted there lives with get-rich-quick schemes. Why should this be any different?"

Falcon puffed himself up with pride. "Because all of them chickened out when the going got tough."

"So we'll be risking life and limb than?"

Falcon thought for a moment. "Sure," he replied.

"Can you give us one moment," said Ness.

"Absolutely," replied Falcon.

The four huddled together.

"So, gentlemen," asked Ness, "what's the word?

Kirby snorted. "We'll probably end up on the FBI's most wanted list." He glanced at Y. Link. "What do you think?"

"…"

Kirby grinned sheepishly. "Oh, yeah! Sorry."

"I believe that this endeavor is doomed to failure," said Mewtwo.

"That's probably inevitable," said Ness. "But, as much as that's true, with Falcon, there never seems to be a dull moment. This summer is nothing but re-runs on TV and the Wii won't be out until it's near the winter season."

"Hey, why don't we buy those other next generation consoles?" asked Kirby.

"SHHHHH!" Ness whispered harshly. "There's a reason we don't have those other systems in the mansion!"

They all looked around anxiously. Shigeru could have heard them.

Mewtwo cleared his throat. "Apparently he is occupied."

"I hope so," said Kirby.

"Anyway," said Ness, "back to the matter at hand. Personally, I believe that during the course of this…enterprise, there is the chance that I'll be shot at, accused of smuggling, or trapped underground with mutated zombies."

"Reasons to back out?" asked Kirby.

"No," replied Ness, "reasons to join. You?"

"Free food along the way, and I'm hoping a big pay out."

"At least one of your objectives is based on rational thought," said Mewtwo. "Although I have seen Falcon outwitted by rocks, his absurd luck may provide a massive financial windfall for us all."

Y.Link just nodded, to indicate he also wanted to be part of the madness.

They broke out of the huddle and found themselves surrounded by mutant zombies on all sides. Falcon was wielding a chainsaw and shotgun, blowing apart zombies and sawing them in half.

"Well," said Ness, "if we're going to be devoured by mutant zombies, at least I won't be dying horrible death miles underground in some secret facility."

"Yeah," said Kirby, "that's so cliché."


End file.
